I used to be able to take great photos of myself (at least, I thought they were great) – but lately, I’m sure you noticed that I am not showing up in very many pictures. Unless they’re the kind I take late at night on my webcam, because those are grainy and underexposed anyhow.
I have been feeling … how do I put it. I don’t feel like myself really. I do, and I don’t. I feel like a mom – a GOOD mom – and I feel tired. I feel like I am soldiering on. I feel like a web designer who has almost enough time to enjoy my job. I feel like a woman who’s missing something. I feel like I need a month of sleep to put me to rights. I feel like I will never feel the same again, never be the same again, never laugh and smile easily and be the funny bright person I used to be.
This picture shows you how I feel. A pale imitation of myself. A person with some things different than before – glasses instead of contact lenses, bigger clothes. Not very much smiling.
I think part of it is when I nearly died after I had Serenity. Touching death, even for the smallest of instants, will change you. What I found out is that death is not scary, that I have nothing to be afraid of. But now I am somber. My face looks sad all the time. I don’t laugh like I used to.
I also think part of it is that I just had a baby two months ago, and my body doesn’t feel the same as it did a year ago. (How did it feel a year ago? I don’t really remember.) My libido isn’t back all the way, my skin is still stretched out and saggy in some places, and rounded and plumper in others. My breasts even look different, and the most blissful thing I do all day (or night) is drift off to sleep with my daughter cuddled in closely and nursing.
It is difficult to be a mother and a lover when you are a new mother all over again. Why is that? Are we wired to concentrate solely on our children when they are so new, almost to the exclusion of our men? Why must I feel that I have to struggle to be myself again anyway? What could possibly be more important than what I am doing NOW: mothering my four children and keeping them safe?
I just keep coming back to this. This photo. This snapshot of myself. I want to have that spontaneous happiness again. It is not that I have no joy; I have immense joy. My family fills me with joy every day, to the point where I actually enjoy doing their laundry, teaching them to love each other, diapering their tiny bottoms, buying their groceries.
I guess I am just afraid of being different than I was before.
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{ 6 comments }
Rachael, You’re a lovely young woman with a beautiful family. You’ve dealt with the death of a loved one, moving, giving birth, and so much else. Of course you’re tired, but please believe that you’re also a special, striking young woman.
diane’s last blog post..A Pair of Twitter Tools
I’m afraid of being different than I was before after this baby is born, too. I changed SO MUCH after my first was born that I’m terrified of not recognizing myself.
Dallas Ann’s last blog post..Crock pot bread
Rachel give yourself a break! You look great. Tiredm yes, but great none the less. Serenity is only two months old, it took me months to feel “normal” after I had my son and he is an only child. I didn’t have to worry about being mommy to anyone else.
You have so much on your plate and you are handling it so well. You’ll catch up to yourself soon enough, in the meantime relax and enjoy your little sweeties. The rest will fall into place.
perpstu’s last blog post..I’m Outta Here!
Ok, I don’t know a thing about having babies. But I know you’ve had a lot going on since you had that little girl, so it’s totally understandable that you’re a little ‘out of it’.
If there’s anything I can do, bring you coffee, come over for a chat, come hold your baby so you can get something done, please let me know.
I am not a doctor, I don’t even play one on TV. But it sounds like perhaps you’re struggling with a bit of postpartum depression. A trip to the doctor might be in order to get you over the hump and help you feel like yourself again.
On the flip side, you are also being a little bit too hard on yourself. *hugs*
Jo
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This was beautiful. Very introspective.
I find that we are always afraid of facing the “new” us. The “new” me. Afraid of the evolving that is taking place everyday and that we are going to lose touch with the person we tried so hard to become.
But in reality we know we have to change, our mentality changes, our body changes, our love lives change. But even if that change seems to be lacking in the vivaciousness it used to – it’s normal and we can’t fight it. Perhaps if we embrace it we come out better, bolder, and more beautiful than we ever imagined.
Sorry if this sounds so melodramatic…it’s the Colorado weather.
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