Did I tell you yet how sick I’ve been?

Blogged on Thursday, May 29th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Health, Photos, Randomness.

Guys. I have been SO SO SICK. Dizzy, queasy, and tired. I get up in the morning and go right back to sleep. I eat and feel like it’s coming right back up, I drink coffee just to stave off the caffeine headache, and that puts me to sleep too.

I go for walks to get back some energy, and have to take a nap when I’m done. Yesterday I ate a Quarter Pounder with Cheese AND a Small Fry, every last crumb, and I was still hungry. And then I went home and took a nap.

While sleeping so much is nice and all, it’s starting to seriously encroach on my work time. And also my being-awake time. I’m sure by now you’ve possibly guessed why, but if not, the picture should tell you.

O hai, I appear to be about six weeks pregnant. *gurgle* *heave* *snore*

This would be why my blogging and work and pretty much everything else have been at a standstill since a week ago. Finally today I’m feeling a bit better, and I’m actually SITTING AT MY DESK and WORKING. I know!! I’m shocked too!!

Anyway, I thought you should know. So, you know, when I start posting pregnant photos of myself you won’t fall off your chairs in shock.

The Drama Llama Camps in My Front Yard

Blogged on Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Contradictory, Philosophical.

Last year, during all the upheaval and crises that resulted from me kicking out my then-husband, my good friend Matt would occasionally IM and ask me how things were. I’d respond in gory detail, glad for a temporary respite from all the insanity, and more than likely I went totally overboard in relaying to him every single thing that had happened since the last time he asked me that.

He’d ‘lol’ and sympathize and make remarks about ‘the drama llama‘ that was, in his words, camped out in my front yard (with no intentions of leaving).

Now that I have a little more perspective on everything, I appreciate the drama llama even more. At first, last year, it was just a hilarious thing - I could laugh even in the middle of being horribly stressed out, because hey, what’s funnier than a llama in the front yard? Seriously.

One of the things I have struggled with is that I often - if you can believe it - INVITE the drama llama over for camping. No, really. You’d think I hate it, if you could hear me complaining about it, which I often do, and LOUDLY, with much force and feeling. The drama llama offends me, offends my sensibilities, and pretty well just pisses me off. When the drama llama is here, I curse it roundly and wish I could call the zoo or animal control to take the unwanted beast away.

However, I have gotten so used to drama in my life that I don’t think I know how to live peacefully any more. If I have days filled with quietness and rest, I immediately assume something is wrong. I’m always waiting for something bad to hop around the corner and shout at me; so to fill the empty space, I invite Drama Llama over for just a cup of coffee, maybe, or a short conversation - some gossip, some juicy bit of something. Something to rouse my passions.

AND THEN, guess what happens? I’m sure you’ve already figured it out. That drama llama always brings along a sleeping bag and tent and plans to stay indefinitely. And that drama llama is incredibly hard to get rid of once you’ve invited it over.

All this to say - I don’t always know why I invite drama. And I don’t always realize I’ve done it until it’s already a bit too late. Also, sometimes Drama (with a capital D) comes over uninvited by me, but I still have to deal with it.

I guess the only good thing about the drama llama is that it’s obvious that it’s there. You can’t miss it. It’s not like there are any other llamas in my front yard, so when Drama Llama is here, EVERYBODY can see it. And from what I’ve heard, recognizing the problem is the first step in finding a solution.

But then what? When I manage to get rid of the drama llama once and for all, what else will fill my empty drama-less space? The Martyr Monkey? The Guilt Puppy?

Maybe I should try to figure out why I have this need to fill my peaceful spaces with negative things. What do you do? How do you handle it when Drama Llama comes with all his camping gear?

Dear Joey (A Letter to My Son, Just Because) [REPOST]

Blogged on Monday, May 19th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Essays, Family, Open Letters, Philosophical, Photos.

I posted a link here yesterday, but it’s such a great post that I really enjoyed writing that I want it here, too.  If you haven’t read it yet, here is my post about Joey:

. . . . .

Dear Joey,

I posted about your sister recently - it was mostly to show off her new glasses and lovely smile, but it was also because I’ve learned some things about her lately, and I wanted to put them in writing. I have learned a lot about you too this past year, and you deserve for me to write those things down as well, so here I go.

When I mulled over what to write in this post about you, it seemed natural to write it TO you instead of just ABOUT you. Because you’re personal like that - everything that happens around you touches you in some way, even if you weren’t really involved.

That’s one of the biggest things I have learned about you, and one of the biggest reasons you tend to get into trouble. You’re easily offended, and easily hurt, because jokes aren’t just jokes, and feelings are fragile right now. I’m sure it’s partly your age, but here is where we are the same, my boy: I still to this day have to remind myself that it’s not about me. I still have days where something is said, whether in passing or more directly, and I struggle not to cry or be angry. Our deep care for everything that happens is also our weakness. I hope that I can give you an example of how to grow a thicker skin without hiding your heart away, because that softness is a good thing when it’s done right.

You’ll still hurt more than some other people, though, and I’m sorry for that - but if you don’t learn these things like I had to learn them, you won’t be as strong as I know you can be. I always say to you that pain is the best teacher, and I always mean it. One day, you might repeat that to someone else, and then you will truly know deep down that it is so.

You are the child that makes me work harder than I ever have to make sure I am the best mother I can possibly be. You are the one that I cry about, the one I tear out my hair over, and the one that I always fear I might screw up. I don’t know why I’m so afraid that you’re fragile, because you are obviously so resilient. Your kindness and sincerity touch my heart, and your uncanny ability to hear what I’m thinking still catches me off guard.

You are the child who brings me a handful of tissue, even though I was crying as quietly as I could, and was several rooms away. You always give hugs, even when they’re awkward because nobody was expecting them. You always try new things, and you compliment every meal I’ve ever made.

You hate being alone but sometimes you need to be. You have trouble calming down when you’re angry, because you don’t want to have to release all that energy and emotion and feeling - but little by little, you’re learning how to just BE, to find the peace that’s inside you. Again, I know I don’t always give you the best example of how to be calm, but I’ll be working on that for the rest of my life too.

You are my son, my first boy, and I want so much for you to grow into a good man. But I think that the best thing I’ve learned from you lately is that before you can be any kind of grownup, you have to be a kid first. You’re teaching me that running around screeching is normal for a boy, and that green stains on pants and cuts on hands are part of the package. I’m learning to let go more and be silly more, and I have you to thank for it. Just like I had you to thank for all the face-smacks when you were eighteen months old and sitting on my lap, head-butting me because you wanted to scoot closer.

The closer I get to you, the more I see how deep your soul is. I’m honored to be your mom.

My first Mommy Gig post is up!

Blogged on Sunday, May 18th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Family, Linking, Open Letters, Philosophical.

If you haven’t read it yet, you can click right over and read my first post at ThisMommyGig.  It’s about Joey, since my last good post here was about Lissie.  :)

Let me know what you think!

(Also, be sure you subscribe to the blog feed over there, because it’s chock full of great writing by great women!)

For All the People Who Just Found Out I Got Married

Blogged on Saturday, May 17th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Family, Open Letters.

Hi! Yes, I got married. Yes, we’re doing awesome. No, I didn’t forget to tell you - it’s just that I don’t have long distance on my phone, and all of you don’t have email addresses, and we were hoping to save up some money and send out announcements soon.

I still love you all, even if some of you are a little upset. There are too many of you to make you all happy at once, so I confess that usually I don’t even TRY. I figure that since you love me anyway, and I love you anyway, it’ll all shake out in the end.

Also, Dad? Are you out there too? Because GRANDMA left me a comment (and I must add, how awesome is that?!), it’s your turn next!

Talk to you soon,
Hugs & Kisses,
Me

I Get to Write With Other Awesome Women!

Blogged on Friday, May 16th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Linking, Randomness.

Guess what, guys?! (Ha, there I go, referring to you all as ‘you guys’ again.)

I’m not just writing here! No, I’m two-timing you all - and I’m not sorry. I’m going to be occasionally blogging at This Mommy Gig from now on, and I’m in the company of some pretty amazing women. What we have in common, other than our wimmin-hood, is that we are all balancing work and family, which is no small feat, as I’m sure a heck of a lot of my readers already know.

I am SO happy and excited to be a part of this fantastic group of intelligent, hard-working women. And rest assured I’ll constantly point you over there when I post! :)

P.S. I’ve also been hired to make a new header for the Mommy Gig blog, which I am ALSO really excited about. Things are clicking and moving together and we are MAKING STEPS over here. I’m glad you’re all along for the ride!