Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Blogged on Thursday, September 4th, 2008 by Rachael. Filed in Blog365, Contradictory, Homeschooling, Philosophical.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.  

- last stanza of Robert Frost’s poem ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening‘

I would have looked that poem up in my own complete works of Robert Frost, rather than having to find its full text on Wikipedia, but unfortunately, I have packed it already. Of all the things I need to pack up, I decided to start with my books - most probably because they are the most accessible and the easiest for me to properly categorize whilst packing.

Yes, I said WHILST, I’m getting ready to teach English next week, you know! And math, and spelling, and history, science, art, writing, typing… you get the picture. The kids are excited but a little nervous, and understandably so. They’re not quite sure what to expect. I am, after all, a new teacher - because it has been several years since I taught them myself, and that was not at all the experience I am hoping (and planning) to have with them this year.

(And also, yes, I said I was categorizing what I’m packing. I realize this might be just slightly obsessive.)

There is so much to do here, packing up and waiting for news on how long we have before moving (still the same timeframe, I believe), helping clean up and fix up the new place, keeping the dishes washed and clothes clean and towels folded, planning meals and trying not to run out of milk AGAIN; and the thing that is more on my mind than anything else: SCHOOL.

I don’t want to screw this up. I want this for them more than I want anything for myself. I want knowledge to be theirs, and I want the sheer joy of discovery and learning to be what colors these years for them. I want to learn how to be a better parent, a better mother, by seeing who they are and how they do things. And I want to know when to let go, here and there, and let them try their wings.

I expect an awful lot out of myself. Troy talked me through a gigantic I’m-a-failure crying jag this afternoon; I don’t blame anyone for the load of things I want to accomplish, and I blame myself all too often for not being as perfect as I expect. I really need to learn how to let up and just breathe, far more than I do. If I take a day off, I feel guilty over it for days. I already never think I do enough.

If there is one thing I learn from all this chaos of being a grownup, I hope I learn to sometimes veer off the path into the lovely, dark, deep woods… and get lost in them for a while.