16: I don’t want to live in Michigan any more.
Blogged on Thursday, January 25th, 2007 by Rachael. Filed in Emo.
Here I am in Arizona. I’m sitting at the dining room table in my mom’s condo, finishing uploading photos to Flickr, eating some toast, and planning what to do for the rest of the six days I’m here. And all I can think is - I don’t want to go back to Michigan. I want to stay here. I want to live here.
It didn’t really hit me hard when I arrived on the plane; I had a bad headache from the not-very-well-pressurized cabin (and also from my monthly feminine thingy), but it seemed that as soon as I got outside that it felt very different. But not different in a foreign way, or different in a hostile way. It feels different here, but welcoming. Comforting. Warm and familiar.
Maybe it will get easier to put words to these jumbled up thoughts in the coming days, but I know that what I feel is that I want to live here, I want to stay here, and I want to be able to stare at the mountains for hours at a time. Actually, I want to climb up into the mountains and sit on the rock and the gravel and feel the sun warm the air around me and be part of the mountains for a while.
When I live here, I want a house in the side of one of the mountains. I want to live *in* the mountain. It’s the oddest thing, really… to feel that way about a place I only just discovered. The absence of trees, in the abundance which I am accustomed to in Michigan, was what I thought would spoil it for me. I was certain that it would be lacking something that I was used to and that I would miss if it weren’t there. But I’m not missing anything except for my little family; if they were here with me right now, I might be tempted to never come back except for vacations, lol.
I love my trees in Michigan, my huge forests and fall colors and the cloud-filled sunsets. But I don’t miss them when I’m here. I love this place for what it is, for what I’m discovering it to be. The air feels different, the horizon is different, the colors of the sky and ground and the essence of the atmosphere are different. It makes me sad, in a strange way, that I am not 100% Native American and cannot fully participate in the honor and respect of the mountains and animals and elements that are all around me here.
Here’s my first real photo of Arizona:
More later. And you can expect more ruminating and confusing-ness, too.
7 Responses to “16: I don’t want to live in Michigan any more.”
i was just thinking yesterday at the casino that i really missed out west.
i don’t want to be in MI either.
i forgot you were going to be doing thid. forgot that tim had calle dto see if he could come to visit with the kids.
forgot that you didn’t want to visit for very long at our house anymore after christmas.
forgot.
think i like it that way.
have a good trip.
Jan 25, 2007
Hey, I finally got around to registering so I could comment.
Arizona is beautiful. I have never lived surrounded by natural beauty (such is Texas, lol). I think it would be awesome. You could really experience God in nature.
I’m blogging more at http://hairlinefracture.blogspot.com. Stop by anytime.
Jan 25, 2007
Herself (Mom), if you are feeling that way, I wish that you would call me or email me about it. I don’t think that saying it here is going to be very effective for anything except maybe hurting my feelings.
Jan 25, 2007
Alison, hooray!! It’s so nice to see you here! I’ll be sure and go to your new blog and read. :D
Jan 25, 2007
Every place has its own special beauty. And just think, this is after the fall. What must our perfect home be like. The place that is being prepared for us. I’m making myself homesick again.
Jan 26, 2007
Now that I’ve jumped through the appropriate hoops in order to comment ;), I have to say, Really, you don’t miss Michigan? It’s finally winter here, and it snowed all day! It hasn’t been over 20 degrees in a few days. Really, you prefer clear sunny skies and mountains to this? hm.
By the way, I’m trying to stop by more, so hopefully you’ll see more comments by me in the near future.
Jan 26, 2007
I know what you mean. I had the same reaction to Scotland. First time my foot hit the ground, straight off the plane it felt like home. I hated coming back. I still get “homesick” for it.
Jan 30, 2007