13: I laugh in the face of superstition.

Blogged on Monday, January 1st, 2007 by Rachael. Filed in Emo.

Howdy, 2007!

Isn’t there something really satisfying about being able to refer to yesterday as ‘last year’? Or in feeling that there is NOW a chance to begin again? I love the new year. I love starting over. I love looking back and trying to see if my trying all year got me anywhere, or if it was mostly just whining and smacking my head against walls and whining some more.

Instead of doing a nicely introspective and outward looking post here, full of detailed-ness and such, I wrote it all up in my journal this morning; six of us stayed up very late and I was the only one up at that hour, having fallen asleep rather uncomfortably on my sister’s couch with Tim squinched up in the corner against my knees, and at 9:30am I just couldn’t keep sleeping no matter how much I really wanted to.

Even though I felt almost hung over - despite the fact that I had just a few tiny plastic glasses of champagne at midnight and shortly thereafter - and also sick still (I had some kind of falsely mild yet somehow totally debilitating intestinal-type flu for several days), I welcomed the solitude and the chance to think on paper and talk to myself and God about what I was feeling this morning about things.

It’s all rather personal, so most of it I can only sketchily describe. This year feels very different. I have changed since the beginning of last year, and also stayed the same. I think that those things are good and they indicate to me that the path I am on is the right one. My commitment to pursuing a just and true life is once again renewed, for many reasons that mainly culminate in the reality that I feel more ME when I am behaving like I believe that I should. My God and my spirituality are things that are very important to me - more than important, actually. Vital. I have studied too much (although still too little) of philosophy to miss the connection between my body, my soul, the universe, and all the creatures who live and breathe and move through it, seen and unseen, sensed or passed by.

My marriage (and here is where it gets less vague) has been on a rough and rocky road this(these) past year(s). To recap: getting married right after losing my job (not intentionally in that order, haha), then getting pregnant on the honeymoon, then being so suddenly separated by the new job Tim had to take, then realizing slowly but cruelly that the new job was not providing any of the needs we had, then suddenly realizing in the early spring that my husband was barely a shell of the man I married (and consequently my feelings for him almost completely vanished, which sounds horribly selfish of me but still hurts me deeply, that I lost them) - these are things that I have done my best to deal with, to live through, to learn from, and to move past.

It’s impossible to move past the reality that our relationship is downright difficult right now, however. Tim is in counseling, which I can only hope will enable him to realize his real potential (that ephemeral thing being what attracted and endeared him to me from the beginning). We are not in couples’ counseling together (yet), because I know deep in my heart that Tim is not at a place now where we can begin to work together on things on more than a rudimentary level. He is so far apart from where I am right now, and from where I have been all year, that I struggle daily to find a common ground that we can work from.

Most days I try to keep myself from falling into the trap of needing to be understood, or to be acknowledged for my sanity - which some of you have counseled me about, and I thank you for that. We still end up embroiled in far more arguments than is really necessary (because some of them are necessary, of course), but the reason we don’t is both a bane and a blessing, at least for me. I have learned to remove myself from a lot of emotions that otherwise would induce me to jump in headfirst and find myself in yet another ridiculous and hurtful argument. Tim does not have a lot of good, strong self-control yet, which took me a long time to realize. I kept assuming that each time he overreacted was a fluke, that he was not normally like that. I’ve been in denial almost all year, and only in the past two months have I understood that it was cruel to both myself and Tim to be in that sort of denial.

Rather than say that I hope that this year is one in which Tim is able to get better (even though I do hope for that), I will say instead that I hope that I stay strong, clear, and patient; that I keep my sanity about me, and that I continually am able to renew my commitment to him in my heart and my will, even though it all seems really ridiculous and crazy more days than not. (If you’re married, I’m sure you know what I mean.)

I need my head on straight this year, because there are a lot of things on the horizon for me and my children and for Tim, and the last thing I need to do is get selfish or stupid or lose track of the ‘why’ in all of it.

This year is for you, kiddos.